I know someone once said "There's nothing to fear but fear itself" - I think it was someone important. However, I'm also fearful of pain and well, pain. I met with the surgeon yesterday and the detail with which my upcoming surgery was explained left a lot to the imagination. Because I have a very active imagination.
Not only am I fearful of the pain associated with it, but I am also fearful of things unseen; i.e.; the future. Right now I'm falling under the heavy blanket of "what ifs". What if the cancer comes back? What if the surgery goes wrong? What if I have a terrible infection? What if my gall bladder explodes? (yes, fear of the irrational is quite normal for me).
Of course fear with an upcoming major surgery is normal - anyone would be fearful. But I don't want the fear to dominate my outlook. I'm in need of some cheering up. Some pep talks. In the past I would turn to alcohol in an uncertain situation. Now I want to turn to cupcakes and art supplies, but I know that won't help. In truth, nothing earthly and tangible helps.
It's at times like these that I'm reminded of the deeper truth of holy scripture where it says something like, "Make all your requests known to God and.... He will give you peace beyond understanding." I also remember Jesus in the boat in the middle of the storm where He calmed the seas and made the wind stop. I kinda feel like I'm in the middle of a storm. Anxiety bubbling up in my chest and making me short of breath.
Surgery is in August - towards the end of the month. Then I face radiation. Then months of recovery before reconstructive surgery.
Ok. Deep, slow breaths. Deep, slow breaths....