It's been a good two weeks since my last post. I've been able to work, do a few things at home, and read a lot. I've been reading teen fiction lately - partly because I can't focus on anything too much deeper than that, and partly because I want to know what MY teen is currently reading. :-)
I've had a good attitude most days. I struggle with feeling not quite myself physically. I know not to push myself, but even normal activity wears me out. I'm not usually a napper, but I've been napping lately.
I also have bad days. When I feel sorry for myself, and I wish this weren't happening, and I think about all the things I'm NOT doing this spring that I usually do, like camping and gardening and sitting in a lawn chair in the direct sunlight.  Honestly, I really hate I can't do those things and more.
I can sit in the self-pity, or I can choose to get up and throw those thoughts behind me.
Last Sunday, I was sitting in church listening to our pastor talk about Job. He talked about Job and his situation and God's involvement in a way I have never heard said before. The question that is often in my head, "How can God let this happen?!" was answered in a way I could not even attempt to express in this blog. So I'm posting the link to the podcast here.
I hope you listen to it. It has helped me a lot in the last week. In those times when I just lay my head on my desk and groan, and in those times when I get tired walking to my garage and back, or in those times when food tastes wrong or at any other time - I wish I'd heard that sermon years ago.
I continue to feel grateful for all that's being done for me and my family. HUGELY grateful. But gratefulness doesn't preclude my other emotions. However, it can help me not sit in the pity. It does help me not sit in it.
So, as I face another chemo treatment tomorrow, part of me is sighing and mumbling to myself "This sucks.", and another part of me is looking forward to what I could see tomorrow that will make me grateful, and in the gratefulness find some joy.