Good memories continued....
That moment on the Little River above Desoto Falls when I parked my kayak and floated on my back and the cool water flowed around me as I stared at the clouds float across the blue sky and a dragonfly landed on my nose.
Desoto State Park, 2013

I've decided good memories help fight the blues. So my newest weapon is writing short sentences or paragraphs, or sentences as long as paragraphs, which mention a great memory. I want this to be a list of memories which were heart-stopping, amazing or beautiful in some way. I don't mean this to be a bragging list of amazing things Lisa's done in her well-traveled life - it's a list of memories for which I'm extremely thankful. You may not realize it, but you have moments like these as well. They may not have taken place on top of a mountain in Switzerland, but maybe they happened on top of a mountain in North Carolina, or Colorado, or even Alabama. Yes, we have mountains in Alabama.
So, here's the one about...
...that time my family drove and drove and drove in the pouring rain looking for a Bed-n-Breakfast because it was too wet to camp and the sun finally came out and there was a beautiful full rainbow and Dad said let's drive to the end of the rainbow and we did and found the cutest B&B where Bridget Bardot had once stayed and we ordered salad with our dinner and the cook walked through from the garden to the kitchen with a lettuce he had just pulled from the garden and then after dinner we went upstairs and slept on feather mattresses and it was magical.
-- somewhere in France, 1983

Yesterday I had to go to Kirklin to get my monthly menopause shot. The shot that put me into and is keeping me in menopause - about 10 years earlier than expected. It was not a good day. I had to wait for 2 hours to spend 5 minutes with the nurse giving me my shot. It hurt. A two hour wait in a waiting room full of sad people. And then getting a shot that HURTS. I cried when she gave me the shot. And she looked so sad and said, "I'm sorry I hurt you." And I whispered, "I know".
I want to see an empty infusion/chemo waiting room. Empty because we're all well.
I really want to go camping and sit for a long while inhaling the fresh air only trees can produce.
I want to sink underwater at a pool and feel the refreshment of cool water.
I want to take another hike. Maybe a shorter one this time. And in cooler weather.
I feel so tired.
But I'll keep fighting.

This past Saturday. Chocolate fudge sauce. From scratch. It was the first time in weeks I have stood in my kitchen by the stove. It was a good feeling, and the results were better than expected! Everyone loved it. And I have to share the link because it was so yummy -- click here for deliciousness! :-)

Resting today. Eating/drinking a kale/orange/wheatgrass smoothie. Catching up on some thankyou note writing. Petting my cat. Listening to the rain and the birds. And thanking my Lord for His death and resurrection - which sounds like a fairytale, but is true. (Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.)

My infusion, scan, doc appointment all went well yesterday. I kept a copy of the ultrasound report because it's so encouraging! The tumors have shrunk an average of 50% since I began treatment March 10. The last line of the report says, "All measurements are smaller than previously and show good response to chemotherapy." I want to frame this report! 

Last night I celebrated with coffee icecream and hot fudge sauce. Life is sweet!

Tim and I had a Lord of the Rings marathon this past weekend. Each night we watched a different film. There is SO MUCH story! Tim had never seen them before and loved them. He is such a boy. He even stood up and practiced his sword swings during the battle scenes.

I love a good story. And this one in particular moves me. One friend, upon learning of my diagnosis, texted me and said, “Take the tumors to Mount Doom!”

So I am.

I’ve had two infusion treatments at which I received the drug Herceptin which is a smart drug effectively targeting and shrinking the largest of the tumors. I’ve had two shots in my abdomen which make my body stop producing so much estrogen (because estrogen was “feeding” the other tumor), which has put me straight into menopause. I also take two cancer medications orally every day.  The tumors are shrinking. That’s good news! There is still surgery and radiation on the horizon. This journey has only started.

Next week, on the 21^st, is another infusion treatment. I’m tolerating all the drugs better than I expected to. I feel almost normal some days and then others I’m just tired. Or dizzy. Or my skin hurts. But the good food we keep receiving is doing wonders for my overall well-being.  And the help we are receiving on so many fronts is making me able to spend more time resting, or walking, or working, or watching super-long movies with my children. What a blessing.

So, I’m walking this path to Mordor to rid myself of this burden.   “One does not simply walk into Mordor.”  It’s a long path and it’s not easy, but I have so much help in so many ways. So many warriors coming to my aid. So many good things happening on the journey....

Monk has become one of our good friends. Watching him makes me forget I’m even sick. The whole family enjoys the show, and we laugh, not only at him, but at how we each have little quirks like he does.

Thank God for little escapes from daily life. It’s so good to simply turn my thoughts from myself and from others, and just focus on something fictional. I don’t want to hide there (well, actually, I do), but I do need a break sometimes. We all do.

Reality has its upswings, too. I saw my oncologist on Monday, and the news is good. The tumors in my left breast are shrinking like they’re supposed to! Chalk some points up for “smart drugs”! We are all very encouraged by this. Looks like I’m right on track in this treatment.

So, it’s back to our new normal for a couple of weeks before more meds, tests and doc visits. Feeling very hopeful this Spring.

It's been a good two weeks since my last post. I've been able to work, do a few things at home, and read a lot. I've been reading teen fiction lately - partly because I can't focus on anything too much deeper than that, and partly because I want to know what MY teen is currently reading. :-)
I've had a good attitude most days. I struggle with feeling not quite myself physically. I know not to push myself, but even normal activity wears me out. I'm not usually a napper, but I've been napping lately.
I also have bad days. When I feel sorry for myself, and I wish this weren't happening, and I think about all the things I'm NOT doing this spring that I usually do, like camping and gardening and sitting in a lawn chair in the direct sunlight.  Honestly, I really hate I can't do those things and more.
I can sit in the self-pity, or I can choose to get up and throw those thoughts behind me.
Last Sunday, I was sitting in church listening to our pastor talk about Job. He talked about Job and his situation and God's involvement in a way I have never heard said before. The question that is often in my head, "How can God let this happen?!" was answered in a way I could not even attempt to express in this blog. So I'm posting the link to the podcast here.
I hope you listen to it. It has helped me a lot in the last week. In those times when I just lay my head on my desk and groan, and in those times when I get tired walking to my garage and back, or in those times when food tastes wrong or at any other time - I wish I'd heard that sermon years ago.
I continue to feel grateful for all that's being done for me and my family. HUGELY grateful. But gratefulness doesn't preclude my other emotions. However, it can help me not sit in the pity. It does help me not sit in it.
So, as I face another chemo treatment tomorrow, part of me is sighing and mumbling to myself "This sucks.", and another part of me is looking forward to what I could see tomorrow that will make me grateful, and in the gratefulness find some joy.