This past Saturday. Chocolate fudge sauce. From scratch. It was the first time in weeks I have stood in my kitchen by the stove. It was a good feeling, and the results were better than expected! Everyone loved it. And I have to share the link because it was so yummy -- click here for deliciousness! :-)

Resting today. Eating/drinking a kale/orange/wheatgrass smoothie. Catching up on some thankyou note writing. Petting my cat. Listening to the rain and the birds. And thanking my Lord for His death and resurrection - which sounds like a fairytale, but is true. (Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.)

My infusion, scan, doc appointment all went well yesterday. I kept a copy of the ultrasound report because it's so encouraging! The tumors have shrunk an average of 50% since I began treatment March 10. The last line of the report says, "All measurements are smaller than previously and show good response to chemotherapy." I want to frame this report! 

Last night I celebrated with coffee icecream and hot fudge sauce. Life is sweet!

Tim and I had a Lord of the Rings marathon this past weekend. Each night we watched a different film. There is SO MUCH story! Tim had never seen them before and loved them. He is such a boy. He even stood up and practiced his sword swings during the battle scenes.

I love a good story. And this one in particular moves me. One friend, upon learning of my diagnosis, texted me and said, “Take the tumors to Mount Doom!”

So I am.

I’ve had two infusion treatments at which I received the drug Herceptin which is a smart drug effectively targeting and shrinking the largest of the tumors. I’ve had two shots in my abdomen which make my body stop producing so much estrogen (because estrogen was “feeding” the other tumor), which has put me straight into menopause. I also take two cancer medications orally every day.  The tumors are shrinking. That’s good news! There is still surgery and radiation on the horizon. This journey has only started.

Next week, on the 21^st, is another infusion treatment. I’m tolerating all the drugs better than I expected to. I feel almost normal some days and then others I’m just tired. Or dizzy. Or my skin hurts. But the good food we keep receiving is doing wonders for my overall well-being.  And the help we are receiving on so many fronts is making me able to spend more time resting, or walking, or working, or watching super-long movies with my children. What a blessing.

So, I’m walking this path to Mordor to rid myself of this burden.   “One does not simply walk into Mordor.”  It’s a long path and it’s not easy, but I have so much help in so many ways. So many warriors coming to my aid. So many good things happening on the journey....

Monk has become one of our good friends. Watching him makes me forget I’m even sick. The whole family enjoys the show, and we laugh, not only at him, but at how we each have little quirks like he does.

Thank God for little escapes from daily life. It’s so good to simply turn my thoughts from myself and from others, and just focus on something fictional. I don’t want to hide there (well, actually, I do), but I do need a break sometimes. We all do.

Reality has its upswings, too. I saw my oncologist on Monday, and the news is good. The tumors in my left breast are shrinking like they’re supposed to! Chalk some points up for “smart drugs”! We are all very encouraged by this. Looks like I’m right on track in this treatment.

So, it’s back to our new normal for a couple of weeks before more meds, tests and doc visits. Feeling very hopeful this Spring.

It's been a good two weeks since my last post. I've been able to work, do a few things at home, and read a lot. I've been reading teen fiction lately - partly because I can't focus on anything too much deeper than that, and partly because I want to know what MY teen is currently reading. :-)
I've had a good attitude most days. I struggle with feeling not quite myself physically. I know not to push myself, but even normal activity wears me out. I'm not usually a napper, but I've been napping lately.
I also have bad days. When I feel sorry for myself, and I wish this weren't happening, and I think about all the things I'm NOT doing this spring that I usually do, like camping and gardening and sitting in a lawn chair in the direct sunlight.  Honestly, I really hate I can't do those things and more.
I can sit in the self-pity, or I can choose to get up and throw those thoughts behind me.
Last Sunday, I was sitting in church listening to our pastor talk about Job. He talked about Job and his situation and God's involvement in a way I have never heard said before. The question that is often in my head, "How can God let this happen?!" was answered in a way I could not even attempt to express in this blog. So I'm posting the link to the podcast here.
I hope you listen to it. It has helped me a lot in the last week. In those times when I just lay my head on my desk and groan, and in those times when I get tired walking to my garage and back, or in those times when food tastes wrong or at any other time - I wish I'd heard that sermon years ago.
I continue to feel grateful for all that's being done for me and my family. HUGELY grateful. But gratefulness doesn't preclude my other emotions. However, it can help me not sit in the pity. It does help me not sit in it.
So, as I face another chemo treatment tomorrow, part of me is sighing and mumbling to myself "This sucks.", and another part of me is looking forward to what I could see tomorrow that will make me grateful, and in the gratefulness find some joy.

I wrote 40 thank-you notes yesterday. Not because I felt I had to fulfill some cultural norm. I wrote all morning because I couldn't help it. Those who know me well know when I am overcome with emotion I always have to write. The kindness shown to me and my family compelled me to write all those thank-yous. How could I not? My heart was full to bursting!
I and my family have received daily reminders that we are loved and prayed for. Daily. Whether a phone call, a text, an email, a note with a real stamp in my actual wooden mailbox, or a surprise package, a meal, we are daily reminded that we are not alone in this.
No one should ever be alone when walking through a difficulty like cancer. This diagnosis, cancer, is just about the worst thing on anyones list of bad things you don't want to ever have to deal with in life. You never ask for cancer. Or anything bad you may have to deal with.
Life is hard. But there is ALWAYS hope. And there is almost always the ability to feel JOY. I know our family will make it through this. We will be better for it. And I am not afraid. This strength and this joy cannot come from me. Cancer is huge. It's painful. It's toxic and the medicines to fight it are toxic. This strength and joy are from my God. I'm not afraid because I am in His hands. His hands that work through my doctors. His hands that work through scientists who figure out which drugs work. His hands work through those that carefully prepare meals which make me feel good and nourish my family. Those who have reached out and served us in any way have blessed me and my family. I pray blessings on you and yours.
But even if none of this were given to me; even if I were alone and had no one to care for me, I would still have strength, and hope and joy. Because I believe in a God who cares for me personally and deeply and He would send others to care for me. Like He sent you.

The mail carrier has been to my house three times this morning. And my fridge and freezer are packed with food. Overwhelmed with gratefulness.

I'm sitting in my comfy new pj's this morning with my wheatgrass drink and my protein cookies - just a fraction of the tangible gifts of love, encouragement and cleanliness showered on our home yesterday from friends and family.
I was exhausted and very "achy" when I walked in the door after the first chemo yesterday, and the first thing I noticed were little jars of fresh flowers all over the living room. As I walked through the house my heart swelled and swelled until it burst. Seeing the notes of encouragement from the boys' friends was the pop. Tears of gratefulness flowed for a few minutes while my husband just held me.
I feel like Christ Himself hugged me yesterday and is continuing to hug me. He was a man. He knows what sadness and despair feel like, but because He's perfect, He also knows how and what lifts the heart. Thank you friends and family for being His arms, legs and hugs to my family.
On a practical note, I feel like I have the flu - which is a side effect of the drug Herceptin which I received through the infusion yesterday. I'm also taking an oral medication called Tykerb which is fiercely messing with my intestines. I will follow the orders I've been given regarding good food and wheatgrass smoothies - so far I'm feeling better at this point this morning. Immodium helps too. ;-)
I'm enjoying the sunshine while I write this.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for prayers, love, food, essential oils, cards, cash, notes, emails, FB posts, instagrams, bathroom-scrubbing hands, and so much more.