I posted a photo with the following quote on Instagram, and as I was writing the caption, I realized I had a lot more to say than what fits in a caption.

"Having the answers is not essential to living. What is essential is the sense of God's presence during dark seasons of questioning." -- Ravi Zacharias

What I said in my caption began with... "Been through some crap in my 47 years. Also been through some CRAP. This quote from Ravi is TRUE. Hope in Jesus is all we really have. And THAT is A LOT. It's EVERYTHING. And it's GOOD." 

There's more to that story...

I first encountered a crisis of faith in my young and dramatic teen years (dramatic and teen years are synonymous). I felt distant from God even though I had put my faith in Him when I was 9 years old. I only felt close to Jesus -- who'd been human and understood us. So I prayed to Jesus one night that He show me if God was real (true story). He directed me to the gospel of John. Not a particular verse. Just John. So I started reading and right there, at the start of the book, it's declared that Jesus IS GOD. So, doubt dispersed. Relief flooded over me. Weird (but normal) hormonal tears were dried.

Emotional faith stayed with me for a long time. I rarely felt (FELT) solidly grounded in my beliefs in God and everything that goes with our cultural Christianity in general. I think that was part of the problem - my Christianity, while deeply a part of me, was also my culture. I knew nothing else, really. I grew up on the mission field where my Dad and Mom planted churches; I memorized verses from a young age and read my Bible; I was home-schooled by my Mom and other Christians all the way through high school graduation; I then opted for a small Christian college; and then I promptly went to work for a college ministry upon graduation. All through my young life I sought out the protection of a community of people who believed what I believed. And this kept my faith suitably strong.

Then I lost my job. Then I decided to go to grad school, at a decidedly non-Christian school. Then I found a job in the "real world" with all kinds of people. Then I started dating the guy I'd end up marrying. And then some deeply challenging family matters came crashing into my life. Some of these events were wonderful, and some were definitely not. But all of these events put together in a short period of time (2 years), flipped a switch in my brain and I fell into a clinical depression. Not just the ups and downs of normal life kind of depression. But the "i don't want to get out of bed in the morning" kind of depression. I mean I REALLY don't want to get out of bed and I'm going to call in sick again and stop eating kind of depression. 

During this time I picked up a book called "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancey. This book helped me begin to see my life as a part of a bigger picture rather than a self-absorbed pea-sized blip in the universe. It may still be a pea-sized blip even now, but it's a less self-absorbed blip and it's part of the big picture of God wooing us all to Him -- of the love from the great and big and mighty Creator of the universes and everything in them for ME and YOU. St. Augustine said, "God loves each one of us as if there were only one of us." It's one of my life quotes now. And it's true. It's theology that has a heart. It's truth that transcends the mundane and transforms my daily life into something not. With these new (to me) truths, and the care from a wonderful dad-figure doctor who gave me antidepressants for the first time in my life, I was able to come back to myself and live with joy and renewed, albeit a little shaky, faith. I was 26.

Matt and I got married. We had our first son, Daniel. I had the same job I got while in grad school. Marriage was good. Daniel was wonderful and beautiful, but all first-time parents are freaked out a little (I freaked out a lot). My job was stressful, but at least I had a job - even a job that was somewhat fulfilling. But it was not what I had envisioned for myself long term. Where were the overseas missions trips to exotic countries? (bills to pay) What happened to my "stay-at-home-mom" dream? (bills to pay) Didn't God promise "abundant life"? (favor-shmavor) This didn't feel abundant to me. Did He really even mean all those things He says in the Bible? Who even wrote the Bible anyway?

Boy, that's a slippery slope, dear friends. Start questioning the validity of the Bible and things get REAL. Because what the Bible says is the basis for Christianity, right? Right. It is. But I wanted to learn that for myself, so I studied and learned who wrote the Bible. I learned God wrote the Bible through His faithful servants over the span of centuries and even in so doing, it still makes sense. Without going into scholarly language by pillaging my brain for details I learned 10 years ago and time has fuzzed, I will just tell you that it's true. God wrote the Bible. If this is your area of doubt, come talk to me.

Once the Lord opened my heart and eyes and mind to the truth about His Word, my faith grew deep, deep roots. My life up until then had prepared the soil in my heart for either complete rejection of all Christianity says and offers (bleak), or a total surrender to the TRUTH of who God says He is (hopeful). He really does love each one of us as if there were only one of us. And it matters to Him when we embrace Him. And it matters to Him when we need some knowledge to bolster our faith. He's not afraid of our doubts and our questions. He welcomes them. He knows it makes our roots deep. He knows it brings a storm -- but He calms the storm. He knows questions are good because He knows the Answer.

The last 7 years of my life have held the greatest trials. But I know, even with the shadows of doubts that still surface, that God is real. What He says in the Bible is true: We are loved by Him... we cannot love Him back because of the darkness of our human hearts... we are so deeply loved and communion with us is so precious that God delivered his only Son into the hands of the Enemy to murder so that by the spilling of His blood we would be cleansed of our sin and be holy enough to commune with God.  A mystery, yes, and it sounds like a fairy tale. But it is no fairy tale. This truth changes lives. Not just our american lives. It crosses cultures, oceans, borders, religions, world views, and changes lives. It's a truth that is NOT cultural. Jesus was a middle-eastern Jewish man. Ravi Zacharias, quoted above, grew up in a Hindu household. I saw Buddhist lives in Thailand change with my own eyes. It doesn't matter your background. Because it is the Truth.

There is only ONE GOD. He's THE Creator. And we can be made holy enough for Him through Jesus. This isn't "holding the monopoly on truth" -- it's offering the only "no-strings-attached" way to be released from all that holds us prisoners. So let go. There IS salvation from the worst of ourselves (read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis for more on that).

So, back to Ravi's quote that started all of this: "Having the answers is not essential to living. What is essential is the sense of God's presence during the dark seasons of questioning."  Other than JESUS, there are no other answers to life's hard questions this side of heaven. There just aren't. Even the hardest question when life is darkest -- "WHY, Lord??!!". Especially that one. Life IS hard (sorry, young friends). But, oh the joy. The grounded joy. The deeply rooted, bottom of your soul, darkest corners of your heart flooded with warmth and light, smiling on the inside (and often outside) JOY. (I'm not talking about dancing in the aisles, picking daisies and skipping through fields, hugging strangers - that's normal emotional reaction to JOY.)

I want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you awake so you can see it. Because I love you. But I know, if you haven't experienced it yet, God will reveal this to you. He WILL wake you up.

This is GOOD NEWS. For everyone, including you.